I’ve always had a sense of scepticism towards religious practices and social norms. I’m not a religious person. I’ve always been a truth seeker—questioning things and not simply accepting the immediate norms presented by society. Not in an explicit, confrontational way, but I’ve always known these norms are not the ultimate truth.

After my Diploma in tool and die making, at the end of my one-year internship at Tata Motors, I had a desire to go to Germany for higher studies. It felt like the right place for my engineering background. But I couldn’t go—my father wasn’t very supportive in that direction. Even though I explained it to him, I ended up joining a college closer to home.

Photo by Susan Q Yin on Unsplash

Existential Crisis:

The college environment was very different from what I imagined. The people around me and their approach to education were hard to connect with. I had a bit more exposure and curiosity than what that place supported. Their way was very controlled and disciplined—almost like a military-style education. Ironically, I saw people behaving the opposite way, likely due to suppressed expression.

I’ve never resonated with authoritarian structures. I value knowledge, awareness and dignity over blind obedience. It was disheartening to see how students were treated—without much respect or freedom. I knew deeply that it wasn’t my place. I felt out of sync with that environment.

During that time, I started reading a lot—mostly e-books on my Kindle—more out of interest and as a way to mentally escape. I ended up learning so much more through that self-led reading than I did from the classroom.

After I graduated, I wanted to attempt the GATE exam to enter top engineering colleges. I wasn’t chasing ranks, but I was curious to go deeper into engineering. But the way it was structured—hundreds in a room, long study hours, and the pressure—felt overwhelming. It seemed like a race most people were being pushed into, without much space to breathe. I knew it wasn’t for me.

So I started learning design tools like Adobe software, helped some early-stage startups, and people appreciated my work. I didn’t get a great rank, but I didn’t feel bad—it just wasn’t the right way for me.

Vipassana & Deeper Inquiry

Later, I joined a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. It was intensive but really eye-opening. There, I met someone who worked in the film industry. He introduced me to broader perspectives, including the work of Noam Chomsky. That planted some important seeds. After the retreat, I felt a deep sense of ease for about 15 days—and I was naturally more drawn to spiritual practices.

I started reading the materials he suggested, and we exchanged thoughts and resources. It was refreshing. That interaction expanded my understanding of the world even more.

Seeking Inclusivity:

After that, I started working as a UI/UX Designer. It was at a mid-size company with employees from top institutes. Initially, it felt exciting and inspiring working with startups building on cutting-edge technologies. But overtime, they want everybody to them, be like them, not like follow your own path in a way. It again activated performtive self in me, statrted to prove my worth, working overtime so that I can be included. I didn't find much inclusivity how much ever I tried. Along with it, long hours and lack of freedom bothered me. The founder would hold lectures pointing fingers indirectly at people, trying to mould mentally. They were constantly creating buzz around the ideal. But eventually it's not my path, It didn’t feel right. I wasn’t even able to speak openly with friends or family about the work environment, so I decided to step back and look into higher studies again.

I also started to notice the energy around ambition and competition. It didn’t feel inclusive—and triggers a sense of comparison and subtle pressure. I thought maybe going abroad would offer more openness and equal opportunities.

Photo by Heidi Fin on Unsplash

Foreign Experience:

I moved to the UK for further studies. The beginning felt fresh. The first year had its challenges—it was during Covid, and I had more free time. I used that time to read and explore. For the first 6 months, I didn’t take up any part-time jobs because of coivd. I was just experiencing and enjoying life abroad, reflecting more. I thought people are vey nice and kind. My roommates weren’t the best match though, I felt the need to be around more like-minded people. I continued meditating more consistently.

Later, I moved to London and started trying different jobs. I loved the diversity and richness of the city, even though it was quite expensive. It gave me more chances to explore different things.

Over time, I got used to handling cash flow—something new for me. It gave me confidence. My parents and relatives also felt proud. I felt hopeful about building something stable for myself.

Observation through work:

I tried various part-time jobs. Many of them involved subcontractors. The pay was okay, but not enough to save much. Eventually, through better connections, I found more comfortable roles. But I saw a pattern—many people were working physically intense jobs just to survive. They were respected socially, but I could feel their bodies weren’t relaxed enough to dream or create. I saw systematic racism and passive aggressiveness towards immigrants, which was ingrained in brits by the system.

In professional roles, the stress simply shifted from physical to mental. Reviews felt performative, and we had to constantly adjust ourselves to fit company expectations. There wasn’t much room for authenticity. In return, people got stable pay and recognition—but something felt off. People had to submit to their authority, no matter how you felt inside. I see only surface level conversations and confined to their own boxes, not being authentic to them.

I even launched a small startup after developing solid skills in software and design with help of mentor. I worked so hard at it at the same time I was searching for jobs. But I noticed how fast tools become outdated and jobs needs more experience on them. It was hard to keep up with everything. And eventually, I saw that real startup growth would need investment, team building, and ongoing hustle. If you don’t enjoy the grind itself, it’s hard to keep going.

I was also doing a lot of reading—trying to understand systems deeply. Especially Western systems. It gave me many insights.

Systemic Realisation:

After reading over 1000 books, living in 20 different places, working with many nationalities and doing several jobs for my alignment — I came to see that many people are caught in the same system in the name of standards, multiculturalism is myth, people are not really inclusive and they prefer to live with their own communities, the city was artificially gathering them. First came, people feel excited after sometime, they don't feel like their own place is a typical experience. Deep down, people know it’s not right, but system is acting more subtly so they couldn't recognise it. for the sake of recognition and material comfort, they accepted the rules given by the system.

Overall, I saw that everything is rigged. I had enough. I took more time for introspection, reading, and day-to-day reflections. I realized freedom & fulfillment is what matters eventually more than money chasing; this is what I was telling my peers as well. I was just flowing with the system after understanding it all. Furthermore, I also spent a good amount of time with a psychologist—around 6 months, doing many recreational activities like traveling, swimming, etc. The last 6 months, I really enjoyed my life. People around me were also a little jealous of me because of how happy I am without getting caught up in worldly responsibilities, etc. They see that I’m glowing and revitalized, from dullness.

I also felt psychology is not the ultimate solution; it’s only temporary because they are seeing through frameworks. They couldn’t completely solve or heal the patterns I was dealing with. There was a sense of judgment and a subtle “less-than-them” approach; they are not truly caring unless we pay, which is a little off to me as well.

Eventually, I came back to India after my visa expired. I felt I needed some support—that’s what I thought. But it was a really great experience, is what I feel. I came with happy experiences, unlike some of my friends, with a lot of exposure and knowledge of systems.

Spiritual Realisation:

At some point, after knowing about materialistic systems, I went to metaphysical, and there I got to know there are more civilizations in the universe beyond Earth. They offered better perspectives on what’s truly going on here, and they gave some solutions, which I compared with many seminal works I read, and it makes more sense.

I came across various military whistleblowers who shared insights into the same things as well. Also, with many channelers and psychics. I gave a shot at what they suggested.

My spiritual process accelerated, and I found my purpose. I did a lot of shadow work. It finally worked out.

It was really life-changing. I was able to heal all the patterns. Life became easier, liberated with ease. I found my passion and it gives me great joy and fulfilment.

But still, outsiders seemed to think I wasn’t enough or judged me externally. Internally, I more aligned than ever and more happier than ever and also working on what I meant to do, which is my purpose.
I'm greateful for these experiences overall, these contrasts helped me to find my alignment and what is right thing to do and evolved me as a person overall.

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